Getting Skinny for Ballet

I will be skinny for ballet class.

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Anonymous asked: Don't be heartbroken. I love your blog and your pictures and personal story are so inspiring! Please keep blogging! Maybe it will help you get through the bad times?

But i am heartbroken. I fell for a guy. A really amazing guy. He was so perfect. So great. We had a week and then we had to go our separate ways because of the end of the school year and now we aren’t even talking anymore. 

I have never felt more comfortable around anyone. He was so sweet and just sitting next to him or laying in the cold grass or standing at the falls were some of the best times I had at my whole 4 years of school. I desperately want him. And I hate that. 

Relationships and friendships do not come easily for me. I am very introverted and people tend to just not like me. But more than anything I want to be loved and find someone to love. 

For the first time in a really long time I wasn’t worried about how much I weighed or what I looked like. My time with him was that amazing and yet it has turned into a big huge nothing. 

I have only dated 3 guys and kissed 5 ever. The first 2 guys I dated were pretty serious they lasted almost 2 years and then the other was 6 months. The 3rd ended after just 3 weeks…it wasn’t a good fit. And then there was one random guy at a party and we kissed once and then this guy and out of all of them he made me feel like nothing else in the world existed. I didn’t care about anything else happening in my life when I was with him. 

When we left school we talked everyday for 6 weeks and now I haven’t talked to him in a week and a half. Nothing. I asked him where he saw this going and he said we could be long distance friends at best and that we would only talk. This is why I am heartbroken. I am watching the most perfect and amazing guy for me literally just disappear from my life. There is nothing I can do. 

I just want to feel wanted by someone. I am so sick of always being so work focused. I have no social life. I want to just disappear and start over. 

I am really struggling with this. I have just had so much change since graduating and I really just wanted things with him to continue. 

My only conclusion is that I am too fat and ugly for anyone to want me. I am just going to be single and lonely the rest of my life. 

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Long Overdue Update

Last fall I was in a theater production at school and one of the guys in the cast I thought was nice and cute but we didn’t spend a lot of time getting to know each other. He was a featured role and I was chorus. But he had some really great raw dance talent so everyone convinced him to take jazz in the spring, which he did. 

I was in the jazz class with him and we got to do a lot of partnering work and it was an excuse to spend time together and get to know him better and I started to really like him. I was graduating though and he was a year younger so I figured nothing would happen. 

We ended up hanging out with each other a lot and spending time in groups at the bars and he walked me home a couple of times with nothing happening. Then, a week before school was over he walked me home and kissed me. After that we spent time with each other every day. He held my hand and kissed me in public so it wasn’t just a hook up kind of thing and everything was so easy. I haven’t felt this way around anybody EVER. It was so comfortable. I wasn’t concerned about my weight or how I looked and he made me feel so safe and cared for. He was so strong. I could just look at him and smile and all my other cares disappeared. 

We have both left school now and he is home and I have moved to the other side of the state. We talk every day, all day back and forth. I can’t let him go. Things with him felt too right. But I also no it doesn’t make sense to do long distance based on one amazing week.

I am so confused. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I constantly think about him. But I know I can’t have him. This is a terrible feeling. No one has ever made me feel this way. I have loved and I have dated and I have had crushes but never before has being with someone been so easy. 

I am afraid if I let this go I will never experience this again. I spent the last 4 years of school hoping to find someone I liked. I dated someone for less than a month who really liked me but I didn’t feel as strongly towards him and we had absolutely nothing in common but I did it just because it was nice to feel liked. But now I know how amazing something can be. How easy it should be, how comfortable it should be. I could laugh, I could smile, I even cried and I was never self conscious. I just want to be with him. 

Part of me thinks I am crazy. How can I feel like this after spending just a week with him. On the other hand when you know something feels right it feels right. And it feels right to be with him and feels wrong to let him go.

I don’t know what to do. Can anybody help???    

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Anonymous asked: hey, maybe you just gained muscle

Well that would be nice. Except not. I gained fat I have a scale that gives me my bf%. 

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Today was terrible

I gained weight like 3 lbs! And its part fat and I ripped a pair of jeans! I don’t know what is wrong with me! I am dancing a ton. I am going to the gym a ton and I am eating really healthy. I am being careful to eat enough protein and all that good stuff since I am doing so much but I am just not losing weight. This is so frustrating. I just want to curl up into a ball. I am huge and fat. 

I want to submit a video audition for a dance job but I can’t if I continue down this path of fat and pathetic I will never be hired. 

Filed under fat

16 notes

Nobody Wants Me

I am so tired of feeling alone. Nobody wants to be with me. I’m so tired of that. Like there is literally no hope for me at this point. I just want someone to are about me and spend time with me and like me and like being with me. I have tried not looking I have tried looking I have tried not caring and I have tried caring too much. I tried being ok with being single and it is to the point where I am just plain tired of it. I want someone to be with. I just desire that companionship. I feel pathetic. Does anyone have any advice for me?