Posts tagged friends

But…

• I could never tell him
• I would be terrified of ruining our relationship
• He goes to school thousands of miles away from me on the opposite end of the country
• No one could ever be as good as he is for me

I miss him all the time and when I do get to talk to him I don’t want it to end. I have always had this small feeling but today it just really hit me. He is going on a trip for spring break and I just didn’t want our conversation to end. But I also worry about him and care about him so so so much. And I think if he knew he would admit to feeling the same but what we have now is so good I think we are both afraid of telling the other the while truth. What  to do?

I know I have self-esteem and body issues and I know I continue to fuel them. I also know I am not to the point of unhealthy. I am afraid might get there.

When I am talking with friends about food or working out or summer or bodies I catch myself saying things in hopes that someone will figure my secret out and stop me…but no one ever does. I haven’t lost enough weight for anyone to notice. To them there is no issue to recognize. To everyone else I seem ok. I am not ok. 

I wish I could just blab and tell someone. Someone who could keep my secret but still help me through it, someone who would understand but there is no one. Some days I feel like I just might explode but I never do and probably never will. 

It really is tough feeling all alone all the time even when I have friends around. I just wish someone could see that I am not ok.