Posts tagged life

Today I heard a story about my ex and what he is like now. We dated for almost two years when I was in high school and now we don’t talk at all not even out of courtesy when bad things happen. So I saw an old friend today and she had seen him a few days ago and told me he is super weird now but that he brought up how I text him occasionally. 

I have decided it is officially time to put him out of my life completely. No need to think about him, care about him, talk about him there is really no point to any of it.

Last time I texted him was 12/9. That will be the last time ever. And for the first time I am actually really excited about that. 

Moving forward and moving on into what I can imagine will be the greatest year of my life!

I normally consider myself an attractive person. I have my days and I put effort into looking presentable but somehow I have found myself single for basically 5.5 years. Wow seeing that number makes me feel pathetic. 

There are a few girls around who in the last few months have ended long term relationships and no sooner did they end did another one begin. And I realize that is probably not the best choice on their part but come on? How do they have guys lined up to be with them when I can’t even find one. 

I am so tired of the single life. And it really scares me that I will graduate in May and begin work life and never find anyone . I am like really terrified. 

I just want someone to love me and want me and need me and give me a hug at the end of a long day and hold my hand or let me lay my head on his shoulder. 

But…

• I could never tell him
• I would be terrified of ruining our relationship
• He goes to school thousands of miles away from me on the opposite end of the country
• No one could ever be as good as he is for me

I miss him all the time and when I do get to talk to him I don’t want it to end. I have always had this small feeling but today it just really hit me. He is going on a trip for spring break and I just didn’t want our conversation to end. But I also worry about him and care about him so so so much. And I think if he knew he would admit to feeling the same but what we have now is so good I think we are both afraid of telling the other the while truth. What  to do?

for someone to want me

to not continually be disappointed

to love someone

someone to love me

someone to hold me

someone to talk to

to not feel alone

to not spend every night thinking about how lonely I am

to not be lonely anymore

I want so badly to feel normal and happy. Anything but this. 

is all I have ever wanted.

Perfect skin, perfect body, perfect hair, perfect height, perfect weight, perfect life, perfect grades, perfect dancing, perfect talent, perfect intelligence. 

Too bad perfect is what I was and I messed it up. 

I can never be perfect because I ruined myself. 

Sucked. 

I totally binged on not one, not two, not three, but FOUR cupcakes. Ridiculous. I feel so sick and huge and disgusting. 

To top it off my ex and I were supposed to hangout on Monday he ditched me saying his phone died. This has happened before. It pissed me off but I just can’t stay mad at him even though he keeps hurting me and disappointing me. And so then I texted him tonight asking when he wanted to hangout and not ditch me then a few minutes later I get on facebook and there is a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend who he dated after me and who absolutely hates me. And now it all makes sense.

One would think I wouldn’t care by now but I do. I seriously just need the next 3 weeks to lose 10 pounds and go back to school feeling super confident (even though I know this is impossible even if I do lose the weight) and find someone new. All of this is his fault. He is the one who has made me feel like shit, made me feel so small, so unimportant. He broke my heart more then once and I have let him. I have let him manipulate me and string me along. I regret ever having dated him. He ruined me but I let him.

I am pathetic.  

I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. Why can’t I just control myself? Why can’t I be skinny? Why can’t I be the girl someone chooses? Why can’t someone like me or even love me? Why can’t I seem to get past things no matter how long it has been? Why do I keep failing? When will it stop? 

I am starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me?

I really need advice about to meet guys. The kind of guys who are nice and sweet and will treat me right. I don’t want a crazy partier of a boyfriend. 

I just don’t know how to. I am 20 and going to school where all the guys just want to get drunk and hook up with the sluttiest girls they can. 

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I am really not good at this. I am really tired of being single and feeling lonely all the time. Can anyone help me?

So rather then taking one fucking hour out of their day today my friends decided they were too busy studying or packing to come to one last thing as a group. Yet they can be up at 1am not studying or packing but getting wasted and playing drinking games being so loud that they woke me up from sleeping.  

I am really glad my friendship means so much to them. Best part is 2 of them are studying abroad and won’t be back until January. Since I really don’t mean anything to them goodbye, see ya, way to make me feel like shit.

This is about to be the longest week ever.